It always came to this. Sitting in the driveway, trying to find some way to unbuckle his seat belt. One more night, that’s all that he had to worry about. That’s all he had to manage. One more night. Sebastian closed his eyes.

Jamie was there today at Barnes and Noble. Tomorrow was the physics test, and Jamie was in Sebastian’s class. The studying went well. The silence walking out to their cars wasn’t unusual. But instead of walking on to his own car, Jamie had stopped at Sebastian’s and sighed.

“Sebastian.”

“Hmm.”

“Sebastian.” He remembered how he had looked up when he felt Jamie’s hand on his shoulder. Looking up, into his face, lined with concern.

“It’s not your fault.” For one tiny moment, Sebastian had dared to believe what Jamie said. That maybe, just maybe…

Then he looked away. “Yeah, I know.”

Jamie thought he wasn’t watching him, but he had seen saw out of the corner of his eye. Had seen as the irritation swept over his face for one tiny second, one brief moment, and was gone. When he spoke again, he was casual. Laughing. “Okay, take care of yourself then, kay Sebastian? See ya later, dreamer.”

Then they were off. And now he was sitting in the driveway, trying to remember why he came back here.

Just one more night.

The school day whizzed by like some kind of mad snail on speed. Sebastian hardly even noticed choir first thing in the morning. Precal and physics found him making up song lyrics rather than taking notes. History melted into chemistry melted into biology. A bell sounded somewhere off in the fog, and students sprang from their desks like startled gazelle. Same as always.

The lockers. This was where the inane chatter took place, where every day Sebastian had to fight the urge to kick the girls applying makeup or the jocks with their arms plastered nonchalantly around their cheerleader girlfriends’ shoulders. Same as always.

Shove books into the backpack. Slam the locker. Retreat. Same as always.

Almost run into that hot punk girl in history. That’s something new. Rebecca, that was her name. She had pink hair today, and was wearing a really low cut shirt.

“Hey, Sebastian.”

“Oh, uh, hey Rebecca.” Her left ear was pierced at least four times.

“You know, you’re really clueless. Really clueless. But I think it’s kinda sweet.” She laughed.

“I, uh…what?”

“C’mon, dummy. Yesterday when I said that I hadn’t found a date yet for homecoming, I meant I hadn’t found a date yet for homecoming. I’d really hate to have to go all by myself…” Pouting. She wore tangerine lip gloss.

“Oh jeez, I’m sorry Rebecca, I didn’t mean — I mean, it’s not like — I woulda —”

She laughed again and patted him on the face. “Dance is next Wednesday, Sebastian. I’ll be ready at seven. Call me, kay?”

And as quickly as she was gone, Terry and Jamie were there, grinning, grinning. “Oh my god, Jamie, do you know the Heimlich maneuver? I think Sebastian’s choking on something!” Sebastian felt as if his ears were going to spontaneously burst into flames.

“Oh, shut up, Terry. So, Sebastian…Rebecca Lancet. How’d you do it?”

“I didn’t! She just came up to me and, uh, gave me a time to pick her up at her place for the dance. I, um, didn’t really get a choice. Oh shit, that means I’ll have to buy tickets.”

“Well, have fun at homecoming.” Terry grinned. So did Jamie.

“Oh, hell no. Don’t do this to me! You guys are coming, too. I’m gonna end up screwing things up if you guys don’t come.”

“What, did you hear that, Jamie? Sebastian still needs his friends, even though he was able to seduced Rebecca with his dashing good looks and personal charisma?”

“Arrrgh! I’m gonna kill you guys! How many times do I have to tell you…!” He could feel his face burning again.

“Heh. See you round, Romeo.”

“Later, Sebastian.”

Sebastian fingered the scar on the back of his hand and sighed.

Timmy was there. Finally, after so long, Timmy was there, walking through the mist to meet him at the station. Sebastian’s heart leapt. He didn’t think he’d ever see Timmy again, but there he was! Right where he always met him after school. Almost fifteen minutes late, as always.

“Hey, Bastian!” And that voice. Oh god, it’s been so long since he heard that voice.

Maybe this time he’d tell him how much he cared for him. “Damnit, Timmy, where the hell have you been? It’s nearly 3:50! You got outta school twenty minutes ago! Ma’s gonna be pissed again, and it’s my ass on the line, not your scrawny butt! Now c’mon, let’s get moving!”

Oh god, now he’s about to cry. Why’s he so upset? I talk to him like this all the time, but he’s never gotten like this before. Why? Why do I always fuck up this way? Oh jeez, Timmy, don’t.... C’mon, Timmy, I didn’t mean it, really.

But Sebastian didn’t say it. He never did. And before he could start walking home, he heard the sound, and he knew. In slow motion, he turned around, and right there in front of him was light, the terrible light! He tried and tried to shout to Timmy, to tell him to look out, but try as he might, he couldn’t. All he could do was watch.

Watch while Timmy looked straight at him with those sad, angry, regretful, hurt midnight blue eyes that spoke more clearly than words ever could. Watch as they said, “You. It’s because of you.”

Sebastian gulped air in, trying to shut up. Had to quit crying. Swallowing, swallowing that cool night air, to maybe cool that painful fire inside his chest. Gripping, clutching the sheets, to maybe still the convulsing of his body.

Why?

Red light. An engine roared by. A Firebird, with the top down. Three seniors, jocks. That's weird, usually this place was deserted around seven. Oh well. Probably just got lost or something.

Whatever. The light was green now. Sebastian hit the gas. Another evening of driving back alone from Barnes and Noble. He sighed. Cursed, that's what he was. Cursed by walls built so high that you'd need to race the zephyrs to see over them. People called him impersonal, antisocial. Even Jamie and Terry.

But it's not that. I guess I'm just not ready to let people know who I am. I suppose I'm lucky that people don't care enough to ask me if I'm okay all the time. Or they've already gotten used to it or something. I hate it when people ask me that. Cuz, I mean, it's just the way that I am. Just cuz I'm not smiling all the time doesn't mean I'm going to break down crying or something.

Cuz they didn't know. Sebastian pulled up to the white and red house, third from the corner. The blue curtains cast a vaguely patriotic feel upon the entire house. Turn off the headlights. Kill the engine. And sigh.

Just tonight. He told himself again, he could handle this. Just one more night, that's all he had to think about. That's it. It wouldn't be any worse than any other night, right?

Sebastian got out of his car and went inside. Dinner was eaten in silence. The dishes were done in silence. And then he left his parents and went upstairs to his own room.

Sebastian stood in front of the mirror. He saw a boy of sixteen with feathery brown hair hanging loosely over his face. He saw a Goo Goo Dolls tee shirt and cargos wrapped about a thin, slightly-taller-than-average frame. He saw midnight blue eyes, hooded.

I hate this.

The boy in the mirror fell to his knees and wept.

The neighborhood park didn't have any kids playing in it, since it was the middle of the school day. But then again, it never did. Just those druggies that hung out by the swings. Middle school and high school kids who never went to school anyway. Jonathan knew half of them, anyway. Rebecca'd gone out with most of them. About every two or three weeks, she'd bring home a new boyfriend. Almost all of them were three or four years older than her. Once, she even brought home a college student. Or at least, he said he was in college. Knowing the type of guy she dated, he probably got kicked out or something.

Most of the boyfriends were scary. A lot of them had at least pushed Jonathan around a bit. A black eye or a bruised rib was usually the thing, though. He remembered the worst one really good. The guy's name was Kyle. He was the one his sister went out with for the longest, like a whole month.

There was this one time, when he came home, and Rebecca and Kyle were in the living room. Both of them were real tripped out on acid. Rebecca, she was just staring at the lights on the ceiling, and then looking at her fingers. But Kyle, he was acting weird. He was walking back and forth across the room, and then sitting down in the corner with his arms up over his head. All the time, he was talking about Germans or something.

But when he saw me, that's when the shit hit the fan. I don't even remember seeing him kick at me that first time, just lying on the ground while he just kept kicking me and kicking me. I don't remember that well, really. I just remember looking at Rebecca and wondering why she just sat there looking at her fingers....

That time, it took like a week to be able to bend down without his sides hurting. But well, he was used to it.....

Jonathan didn't want to go back class. Out in the playground, he was safe, until the teachers started coming looking for him. Who did this to you, they'd say. Who's responsible? And he couldn't tell, either. Usually, Joseph left him alone, but if he told… It didn't matter if he was doing the right thing or not, cuz in the end, all that mattered was who got punched and had their lunch money taken away.

The tardy bell rang, and Jonathan got up. But he didn't go back. He walked right out the rusty gates and out past the old liquor store. Jonathan could remember a time when he didn't have to walk places. He remembered that back in second grade, Dad would drive him and Rebecca around. To school, to the park, to the zoo....

He remembered the zoo pretty good. Especially the duck pond. He still went by himself sometimes, but not that much anymore. To remember. Those days when Mom and Dad loved each other, when they paid attention to him. When all he had to do frown and they'd do something to make him happy again. Usually, Dad would take him to the duck pond, and sit under a tree, telling him about the ducks until he fell asleep.

But that never happened anymore.....

Jonathan didn't mind the occasional punch in the face from the bullies at school. They didn't come often, since he was friends with the popular kids. Not as much as the other kids got, anyway. The kids that weren't part of the group he was in, they got beat up by the bullies a lot more.

But today was one of those days that the bullies came after him. Joseph and his two asshole friends. It really didn't matter if he ran or not, so he just let the two assholes hold him while Joseph slugged him in the gut and took his money.

Didn't matter. His lunch money was in his backpack anyway. Another punch in the gut. He coughed and dropped onto the grass. Didn't matter, he's had worse before, he kept telling himself. No one but the birds saw him cry in the playground as he remembered that it wasn't the punches he minded. It was the empty feeling he got afterward.