Red light. An engine roared by. A Firebird, with the top down. Three seniors, jocks. That's weird, usually this place was deserted around seven. Oh well. Probably just got lost or something.

Whatever. The light was green now. Sebastian hit the gas. Another evening of driving back alone from Barnes and Noble. He sighed. Cursed, that's what he was. Cursed by walls built so high that you'd need to race the zephyrs to see over them. People called him impersonal, antisocial. Even Jamie and Terry.

But it's not that. I guess I'm just not ready to let people know who I am. I suppose I'm lucky that people don't care enough to ask me if I'm okay all the time. Or they've already gotten used to it or something. I hate it when people ask me that. Cuz, I mean, it's just the way that I am. Just cuz I'm not smiling all the time doesn't mean I'm going to break down crying or something.

Cuz they didn't know. Sebastian pulled up to the white and red house, third from the corner. The blue curtains cast a vaguely patriotic feel upon the entire house. Turn off the headlights. Kill the engine. And sigh.

Just tonight. He told himself again, he could handle this. Just one more night, that's all he had to think about. That's it. It wouldn't be any worse than any other night, right?

Sebastian got out of his car and went inside. Dinner was eaten in silence. The dishes were done in silence. And then he left his parents and went upstairs to his own room.

Sebastian stood in front of the mirror. He saw a boy of sixteen with feathery brown hair hanging loosely over his face. He saw a Goo Goo Dolls tee shirt and cargos wrapped about a thin, slightly-taller-than-average frame. He saw midnight blue eyes, hooded.

I hate this.

The boy in the mirror fell to his knees and wept.

The neighborhood park didn't have any kids playing in it, since it was the middle of the school day. But then again, it never did. Just those druggies that hung out by the swings. Middle school and high school kids who never went to school anyway. Jonathan knew half of them, anyway. Rebecca'd gone out with most of them. About every two or three weeks, she'd bring home a new boyfriend. Almost all of them were three or four years older than her. Once, she even brought home a college student. Or at least, he said he was in college. Knowing the type of guy she dated, he probably got kicked out or something.

Most of the boyfriends were scary. A lot of them had at least pushed Jonathan around a bit. A black eye or a bruised rib was usually the thing, though. He remembered the worst one really good. The guy's name was Kyle. He was the one his sister went out with for the longest, like a whole month.

There was this one time, when he came home, and Rebecca and Kyle were in the living room. Both of them were real tripped out on acid. Rebecca, she was just staring at the lights on the ceiling, and then looking at her fingers. But Kyle, he was acting weird. He was walking back and forth across the room, and then sitting down in the corner with his arms up over his head. All the time, he was talking about Germans or something.

But when he saw me, that's when the shit hit the fan. I don't even remember seeing him kick at me that first time, just lying on the ground while he just kept kicking me and kicking me. I don't remember that well, really. I just remember looking at Rebecca and wondering why she just sat there looking at her fingers....

That time, it took like a week to be able to bend down without his sides hurting. But well, he was used to it.....

Jonathan didn't want to go back class. Out in the playground, he was safe, until the teachers started coming looking for him. Who did this to you, they'd say. Who's responsible? And he couldn't tell, either. Usually, Joseph left him alone, but if he told… It didn't matter if he was doing the right thing or not, cuz in the end, all that mattered was who got punched and had their lunch money taken away.

The tardy bell rang, and Jonathan got up. But he didn't go back. He walked right out the rusty gates and out past the old liquor store. Jonathan could remember a time when he didn't have to walk places. He remembered that back in second grade, Dad would drive him and Rebecca around. To school, to the park, to the zoo....

He remembered the zoo pretty good. Especially the duck pond. He still went by himself sometimes, but not that much anymore. To remember. Those days when Mom and Dad loved each other, when they paid attention to him. When all he had to do frown and they'd do something to make him happy again. Usually, Dad would take him to the duck pond, and sit under a tree, telling him about the ducks until he fell asleep.

But that never happened anymore.....

Jonathan didn't mind the occasional punch in the face from the bullies at school. They didn't come often, since he was friends with the popular kids. Not as much as the other kids got, anyway. The kids that weren't part of the group he was in, they got beat up by the bullies a lot more.

But today was one of those days that the bullies came after him. Joseph and his two asshole friends. It really didn't matter if he ran or not, so he just let the two assholes hold him while Joseph slugged him in the gut and took his money.

Didn't matter. His lunch money was in his backpack anyway. Another punch in the gut. He coughed and dropped onto the grass. Didn't matter, he's had worse before, he kept telling himself. No one but the birds saw him cry in the playground as he remembered that it wasn't the punches he minded. It was the empty feeling he got afterward.